Life is going a million miles an hour. I feel like I haven’t even had time to breathe and just be present. Honestly, I feel like a robot, a machine rather. I am aware that I have inflicted this fate upon myself. Being myself, a pleaser and so afraid of not wanting to disappoint anyone in my life, I struggle to say no. I tell you and myself all the time that it’s okay to say no to things. There is a limit. There is a point where you just can’t…anymore. I luckily haven’t hit that point yet, but it’s coming. Every day, I wake up optimistic like “I can do this, this isn’t so bad, things could be much worse…I could be bored and not working, not making any money, not making any progress with my life path…” but then the end of the day hits and I’m beyond exhausted that my eyes can barely stay open. This is going to be the first time in my life where I work over a two week stretch without a single day off. Between working for Linfield, because I don’t want them to drown and I’m sort of afraid to leave, beginning my newest job at Soter vineyards; learning the ropes and how everyone does their own thing, and continuing nannying when I can, because I love that family. I’ve always been a busy bee, but this reaches an entirely NEW level. This isn’t meant to complain or “woe as me…my life is so hard,” just being honest by saying that I underestimated how tired I would be. I am incredibly THANKFUL for this life I live.
The thought that keeps sticking in the back of my head is that you are paid by the hour, you are paid for your time. Time is valuable, there aren’t enough hours in the day. There is only so much time one has. Time away from everything else that consumes your busy life. To-do lists are a must in this crazy world of mine. This life I live, I am very thankful for two amazing jobs with amazing co-workers. And I really am enjoying post-grad life. I have always really enjoyed being busy and constantly go-go-going.
I know that I say that I give myself grace all the time, but I’ve become really bad at saying no to things again. I’m so afraid of disappointing people and letting them down that I just DO.
You likely have seen a post about me feeling super guilty for working so much. And I’m feeling guilty about not caring for Maizie the way I should, the way I need, the way she needs to thrive. I’d been so disciplined during the summer and even found joy in taking morning walks in solitude with her. I know she needs to burn energy. Over the last week and a half, I’ve walked her maybe four times. And that’s BAD. I know she’s probably going stir crazy. And she is spending time with other dogs at one of my colleague’s houses. And by no means, do I think she is being abused by me not taking her out on a walk every day. I’m just not doing what I wish I could do, because (and I say this all the time)…there aren’t enough hours in the day. Honestly, I’m just talking about a dog. I don’t know how young parents go through this…going to work, full-time and barely spending any time with their kid, because they get so caught up in the demands of their life in other capacities. Parent guilt is real…and I totally get it now. I’ll be looking into doggy daycare when I get around to it, hopefully sooner, rather than later. I don’t want Maizie to be kept inside ALL day, by herself. And come summertime, I will be moving and likely (without a miracle) will be living by myself. I don’t mind the idea of living by myself, living with people can be difficult. And now with this new job, I can afford to live by myself, but it’s not ideal. It’s nice to have extra hands caring for Maizie when I just can’t.
I had my first day at Soter on Friday. Everyone was super happy to see me and have me a part of the time. It’s definitely a whirlwind. I came in on Friday afternoon for a half-day of training just to mentally prepare myself for the craziness that happens Saturday and Sunday. It’s amazing how many reservations this small winery does. I can’t even begin to imagine the large wineries…since, I consider this a small-scale one. The view is absolutely spectacular. Its tucked out in the country and absolutely breathtaking. My immediate supervisor has made it super clear that I am free to get up and walk around and get off the computer from time to time. I was super concerned that I would just be in front of a computer all day. Based on this weekend, I have a very hard time believing that that’s all I’ll ever be doing. This job, much like EMS at Linfield is multifaceted. You have to switch gears within a second. These people seem much more organized and definitive in their decisions which is helpful. Everyone knows what they’re doing, where their duties end, what they need to do. And they’re very sweet with me, letting me ask questions and letting me catch up. It’s definitely helpful that I know the lay of the land really well already, since I’ve been doing events with them for a couple years. This is an entirely different beast. However, come mid-March, it’ll feel like I am in my comfort zone once again, that’s right, a big event! Granted, one of my co-workers that I have worked with multiple times told me that I’ll likely be doing something different than I am used to. I’m glad I am doing a transition, even though it’s going to be crazy-balls for about a month. I know that I will survive. Definitely overwhelmingly thankful that Linfield and Soter are willing to share me for a brief period. 🙂
I made it to round two of my admission for the MAT program. Honestly, I kind of freaked myself out last week. Since, I was so content with the idea of working another year and then doing my Masters program. But I got that email of making it to the next round that I am sort of afraid that if I apply again, they won’t let me in, because I didn’t do it the first time. Totally irrational thought process, but that’s fine, I’m fine, it’s great! 😉 Anyone who knows me, knows that I am going to get back to school. The group interviews went well and I will hear of an admission decision by next week. Unfortunately, I only have two weeks to make a decision about doing the Masters program, but I may ask for some grace time just because my schedule has been so crazy and I need to figure out the financial stuff. Since I was little, I’ve always wanted to teach. I spent years going to my dad’s school with him on “take your kid to work day” and it was a blast. And I knew that I wanted to have my own classroom and work with kids. When I was younger, I thought my only option was to teach elementary. However, as I have grown up and learned I can teach just ONE subject. The director of the program last night told us that getting teaching jobs having to do with language arts and social studies are more difficult and far more competitive than the math and science positions. This shouldn’t have surprised me really, but it worried me that I won’t be able to find a job after thousands of dollars and time put into this Masters program. I know I’m probably irrationally stressing. I’m curious what my people think I’d enjoy/be better at: Teaching language arts at the high school level or teaching 4th or 5th grade?
I just put these photos here as a little reminder to myself and you to slow down every once and awhile.