pictured: Lizard (or Elzunia) / Katherine or Katarzyana (depends on who ya ask) & me
Middle of June already? Gosh, I seriously don’t know where the time goes. Since the last time I posted, I turned 23. Birthdays have never been that big of a deal to me in all honesty. And 23 doesn’t seem like a very important milestone. 25 will be the next one! What’s new? Well, I feel like I’ve been going a million miles, probably just because I am working over 40 hours a week. I’m learning the importance and value that time is. I don’t spend a lot of time at home and the days that I do have off, I don’t tend to do much of anything. There’s nothing wrong with resting and recharging. I used to be one that wanted to do everything and be doing something. Now, I like the time to myself. Maizie has been waking me up really early in the morning so I try to take her to the dog park in the morning a few times a week. That’s going to become even more imperative since the heat is coming our way and quickly. Last weekend, it rained and this weekend is a bit too warm for me! At work, we’re gearing up for the biggest event and I don’t feel the stress, but I can tell people above me are starting to feel the stress. I worked the event last summer and it was a blast. This was back when this job didn’t feel like a job. Like, I know work now appreciates my work and what I’m doing, but I don’t always feel appreciated. And I’m still struggling to get along with one person. I hate that on numerous occasions that I have given her the power to make me angry or bitter or put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. It’s just that if I do ONE thing out of line or ONE thing a different way, it’s like a fire that can’t be put out. I have learned through working the last four months that I don’t have perfectionist tendencies. I have a hard work ethic and I’m good at what we do, but I won’t be a robot and I’m not going to be a mini version of what this person wants me to become. Some days I will get off work and be like “okay, this isn’t so bad, I can do this” and then other days I say to myself “maybe I’m not cut out for this, maybe I should find a new job.” Then I think to myself that this position for me is only temporary. I don’t expect to move up in the wine industry or stay in the wine industry. Some of the staff are like “you need to be more into wine” and they’re instantly put off by the fact that I haven’t found much alcohol that I like. It’s the reaction that I don’t like, but also if I don’t like the flavor then why would I drink or eat it? Maybe I’m hard headed and defensive, but I don’t think I was trained well in the beginning and this industry is SO gray, rather than black and white. Everything is on such a case-by-case basis. And if I hear the word “conscientious” one more time, I may punch someone. This definitely isn’t legal, but it’s slowly, slowly improving; I’ve been getting lunch “breaks” really late into the day/into my shift. I start in the morning at 9AM and legally I have to take my lunch within six hours. I usually work until 5:30-6 on weekends. On top of the fact that it’s a long day, it’s also getting warmer outside and taking breaks is normal in the work place. Taking a lunch break is also assumed. Getting dizzy and having a headache and feeling disoriented is not part of my job description, but it was for a solid month. It is improving, thank the good lord. I feel like I was practically begging and pleading for a lunch break. And any time I am seen nibbling, this individual assumes that I am starving. “No, I’m just eating a banana,” I’m okay, I don’t need to clock out to eat this banana. YEEEEZUS. At the end of the day, I am being compensated and being paid – the paychecks are nice – getting paid more than ONCE a month is even better. I complain, but I’m doing just fine 🙂
photo: Back to Eden bakery in PDX passionfruit cardamom cupcake (yes it was delish)
Back to Maizie, I’ve been taking her to the dog park in the AM. I run into my old boss and her husband, they are the sweetest people. And I housesit for them on occasion when they go out of town. There’s a morning and evening crew at the dog park, I find it funny, because it’s like a small town ;). The people in the AM show up as early as 7 and mostly, they’re all retired and cute husbands and wives with their pooches. They walk the path and end up talking to me. Not just at the dog park, but other places (work too mostly), I get the question “where are you from?” and I’m like “uh, do you mean where did I grow up or where was I born?” I end up answering both, because people are curious. Today at work, a gentleman commented on my Oregon tattoo and asked if I was a native Oregonian. And my go-to is always “born and raised” cuz that’s just a saying that people use. And I stop myself, since I wasn’t born here. I may as well be, I don’t know anything about Korea and I don’t remember an ounce of it. I do want to go back someday, but I had just got Maizie last spring when I was considering going for a couple weeks or months. So I decided leaving puppy Maizie was a bad idea. Heck, I still hate leaving her for the DAY that I am gone at work. She watches me leave, it’s the cutest and saddest thing to watch ever.
I was waiting for the day to come (my birthday specifically) for my dad to stop gifting me $100 or texting or emailing me “happy birthday.” This is the year that it finally happened. Am I disappointed? Nah. Could I have used the $100? Sure. Am I hurt? No. Because as I reflect on Father’s day (which is today), my dad hasn’t been present in my life consistently since I was 15. And our relationship disintegrated the moment he decided to choose companionship over his children. All I saw on social media today was people posting about how great their husband or father is to them or their own children. I’m happy for those that have dads that are present, because being a parent is difficult. This only furthers my inclination that my dad is ill, of some sort. I haven’t seen or heard from him since Labor Day weekend when my brother got married. And we barely said two words to each other. I’m thankful that I have a stepdad that has treated me like his own. We have a special relationship and it started off so rocky. Now we plan a Disneyland trip every year and he’s always just as excited as I am. I am also thankful for my brothers who have been consistent and constant rocks during the times when I needed a father figure to tell me everything would be okay. I just wonder sometimes what rationale and excuse my dad has for his actions for the year and what made him throw in the towel on his relationships (yes, plural) with his children. My mom said not too long ago that she couldn’t imagine raising us three amazing kids and not being part of our lives. It’s absolutely wild to me that my dad hasn’t reached out at all. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. This is the man that said I had no empathy in my DNA and I wasn’t someone he recognized anymore. I thought about calling him on Father’s Day, but then I find myself being like “uh, excuse you? he hasn’t been a father to you in almost a decade and what has he done for you? you’re who you are because your mom kept you afloat and your strong will and independence.” Okay, maybe I give myself a little too much credit here. I guess I find myself thinking that my family circle is really small in comparison to most other people. They have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My grandparents are deceased, one aunt is off the grid, cray-cray, her kids are with her so no contact, other cousins are grown and have their own lives. Holidays were when the family got together, but now we have all our own separate lives and we’re all busy and live in different places. It was easy being a kid. Don’t get me wrong, I love being an adult and making my way in the world. I keep having to remind myself that I am only 23 and that I have time to figure everything out.
pictured: linfield grad 5.27.18 – Peyt graduated! Kate is next!
On another sad note, I have jammed so many fingers in my lifetime. Never great stories to tell let me tell ya!! I took Lincoln to a trampoline park and we were in the toddler section. My eyes were on him the entire time. I was teaching him how to jump with both feet and he let go and I accidentally clocked him in the side of the head. My thumb bending into my palm into his head. Thumb vs toddlers head – I lost. My thumb is jammed and in a splint because I can barely bend it. Maizie likes to nudge my hand in the morning when I am asleep to notify me that she’s awake and she thinks that I should be too. She nudged it a little bit hard this morning and it didn’t feel stellar. I didn’t think it was going to impact me to have an injured left thumb, because I am right-handed. Boy was I wrong. I can’t GRAB anything that weighs anything without my thumb protesting in excruciating pain. Send my hand good vibes please!
I think that’s all for now, cheers sweet friends!