life

At the end of the day, we endure much more than we think we can

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pictured: Lizard (or Elzunia) / Katherine or Katarzyana (depends on who ya ask) & me

Middle of June already? Gosh, I seriously don’t know where the time goes. Since the last time I posted, I turned 23. Birthdays have never been that big of a deal to me in all honesty. And 23 doesn’t seem like a very important milestone. 25 will be the next one! What’s new? Well, I feel like I’ve been going a million miles, probably just because I am working over 40 hours a week. I’m learning the importance and value that time is. I don’t spend a lot of time at home and the days that I do have off, I don’t tend to do much of anything. There’s nothing wrong with resting and recharging. I used to be one that wanted to do everything and be doing something. Now, I like the time to myself. Maizie has been waking me up really early in the morning so I try to take her to the dog park in the morning a few times a week. That’s going to become even more imperative since the heat is coming our way and quickly. Last weekend, it rained and this weekend is a bit too warm for me! At work, we’re gearing up for the biggest event and I don’t feel the stress, but I can tell people above me are starting to feel the stress. I worked the event last summer and it was a blast. This was back when this job didn’t feel like a job. Like, I know work now appreciates my work and what I’m doing, but I don’t always feel appreciated. And I’m still struggling to get along with one person. I hate that on numerous occasions that I have given her the power to make me angry or bitter or put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. It’s just that if I do ONE thing out of line or ONE thing a different way, it’s like a fire that can’t be put out. I have learned through working the last four months that I don’t have perfectionist tendencies. I have a hard work ethic and I’m good at what we do, but I won’t be a robot and I’m not going to be a mini version of what this person wants me to become. Some days I will get off work and be like “okay, this isn’t so bad, I can do this” and then other days I say to myself “maybe I’m not cut out for this, maybe I should find a new job.” Then I think to myself that this position for me is only temporary. I don’t expect to move up in the wine industry or stay in the wine industry. Some of the staff are like “you need to be more into wine” and they’re instantly put off by the fact that I haven’t found much alcohol that I like. It’s the reaction that I don’t like, but also if I don’t like the flavor then why would I drink or eat it? Maybe I’m hard headed and defensive, but I don’t think I was trained well in the beginning and this industry is SO gray, rather than black and white. Everything is on such a case-by-case basis. And if I hear the word “conscientious” one more time, I may punch someone. This definitely isn’t legal, but it’s slowly, slowly improving; I’ve been getting lunch “breaks” really late into the day/into my shift. I start in the morning at 9AM and legally I have to take my lunch within six hours. I usually work until 5:30-6 on weekends. On top of the fact that it’s a long day, it’s also getting warmer outside and taking breaks is normal in the work place. Taking a lunch break is also assumed. Getting dizzy and having a headache and feeling disoriented is not part of my job description, but it was for a solid month. It is improving, thank the good lord. I feel like I was practically begging and pleading for a lunch break. And any time I am seen nibbling, this individual assumes that I am starving. “No, I’m just eating a banana,” I’m okay, I don’t need to clock out to eat this banana. YEEEEZUS. At the end of the day, I am being compensated and being paid – the paychecks are nice – getting paid more than ONCE a month is even better. I complain, but I’m doing just fine πŸ™‚

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photo: Back to Eden bakery in PDX passionfruit cardamom cupcake (yes it was delish)

Back to Maizie, I’ve been taking her to the dog park in the AM. I run into my old boss and her husband, they are the sweetest people. And I housesit for them on occasion when they go out of town. There’s a morning and evening crew at the dog park, I find it funny, because it’s like a small town ;). The people in the AM show up as early as 7 and mostly, they’re all retired and cute husbands and wives with their pooches. They walk the path and end up talking to me. Not just at the dog park, but other places (work too mostly), I get the question “where are you from?” and I’m like “uh, do you mean where did I grow up or where was I born?” I end up answering both, because people are curious. Today at work, a gentleman commented on my Oregon tattoo and asked if I was a native Oregonian. And my go-to is always “born and raised” cuz that’s just a saying that people use. And I stop myself, since I wasn’t born here. I may as well be, I don’t know anything about Korea and I don’t remember an ounce of it. I do want to go back someday, but I had just got Maizie last spring when I was considering going for a couple weeks or months. So I decided leaving puppy Maizie was a bad idea. Heck, I still hate leaving her for the DAY that I am gone at work. She watches me leave, it’s the cutest and saddest thing to watch ever.

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I was waiting for the day to come (my birthday specifically) for my dad to stop gifting me $100 or texting or emailing me “happy birthday.” This is the year that it finally happened. Am I disappointed? Nah. Could I have used the $100? Sure. Am I hurt? No. Because as I reflect on Father’s day (which is today), my dad hasn’t been present in my life consistently since I was 15. And our relationship disintegrated the moment he decided to choose companionship over his children. All I saw on social media today was people posting about how great their husband or father is to them or their own children. I’m happy for those that have dads that are present, because being a parent is difficult. This only furthers my inclination that my dad is ill, of some sort. I haven’t seen or heard from him since Labor Day weekend when my brother got married. And we barely said two words to each other. I’m thankful that I have a stepdad that has treated me like his own. We have a special relationship and it started off so rocky. Now we plan a Disneyland trip every year and he’s always just as excited as I am. I am also thankful for my brothers who have been consistent and constant rocks during the times when I needed a father figure to tell me everything would be okay. I just wonder sometimes what rationale and excuse my dad has for his actions for the year and what made him throw in the towel on his relationships (yes, plural) with his children. My mom said not too long ago that she couldn’t imagine raising us three amazing kids and not being part of our lives. It’s absolutely wild to me that my dad hasn’t reached out at all. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. This is the man that said I had no empathy in my DNA and I wasn’t someone he recognized anymore. I thought about calling him on Father’s Day, but then I find myself being like “uh, excuse you? he hasn’t been a father to you in almost a decade and what has he done for you? you’re who you are because your mom kept you afloat and your strong will and independence.” Okay, maybe I give myself a little too much credit here. I guess I find myself thinking that my family circle is really small in comparison to most other people. They have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. My grandparents are deceased, one aunt is off the grid, cray-cray, her kids are with her so no contact, other cousins are grown and have their own lives. Holidays were when the family got together, but now we have all our own separate lives and we’re all busy and live in different places. It was easy being a kid. Don’t get me wrong, I love being an adult and making my way in the world. I keep having to remind myself that I am only 23 and that I have time to figure everything out.

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pictured: linfield grad 5.27.18 – Peyt graduated! Kate is next!

On another sad note, I have jammed so many fingers in my lifetime. Never great stories to tell let me tell ya!! I took Lincoln to a trampoline park and we were in the toddler section. My eyes were on him the entire time. I was teaching him how to jump with both feet and he let go and I accidentally clocked him in the side of the head. My thumb bending into my palm into his head. Thumb vs toddlers head – I lost. My thumb is jammed and in a splint because I can barely bend it. Maizie likes to nudge my hand in the morning when I am asleep to notify me that she’s awake and she thinks that I should be too. She nudged it a little bit hard this morning and it didn’t feel stellar. I didn’t think it was going to impact me to have an injured left thumb, because I am right-handed. Boy was I wrong. I can’t GRAB anything that weighs anything without my thumb protesting in excruciating pain. Send my hand good vibes please!

I think that’s all for now, cheers sweet friends!

 

 

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life

Don’t be in such a rush to figure everything out. Embrace the unknown and let your life surprise you

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Hi friends! Happy Wednesday, it’s been a little bit since I posted so I thought I’d enlighten you on the happenings in my world! May has seriously flown by! I don’t know where the month went. Now my roommates are graduating college and I get to stay where I am at and am gaining two new roommates. One of my dear friends that I met through one of my English courses at Linfield got the job that I was doing at the library, she’s completely new to it, but I’m sure she’s going to do great! And the other, I believe is going to be working at a non-profit. Needless to say, I’m VERY excited that I don’t have to worry about moving for another year.

We just finished the first weekend of a two weekend spree event at the winery. I have been kept very busy. I walked over 10 miles on Saturday and Sunday just because of the event. All of the guests seemed very happy to be there and it was definitely nicer weather than we anticipated. We’ll see if this upcoming weekend is crazier, since it’s open to the public as opposed to the previous weekend that was open to just club members. I’ve never done anything special for Memorial Day Weekend, but it’s sorta weird to be busy on a holiday weekend. I’m finally adjusted to my Thursday through Monday work week schedule. Though, I will be very happy when I am finally done working for the library. I love the people all to death, but I feel like I’m working way more than 40 hours, especially this month. The paychecks are solid though, not going to lie! This week I happened to get paid on Tuesday and now tomorrow, so my bank account is looking really nice, until all the bills need to get paid πŸ˜‰

In other news, I decided to get a new car. I’d been looking and wanting to get into a bigger car, just for Maizie’s tall sake. My Corolla was very loyal to me, but I just wanted something more spacious. Sitting up higher is definitely a perk in my new car. I got a RAV4 Hybrid and I really am enjoying it! My gas tank is bigger than my Corolla and even my Prius beforehand. Now, I just get to wait for my license plates to arrive! I wanted the new CR-V, but I didn’t want to go over my budget. Even with my new car, I’m able to save some money, which was the entire point of me working full-time for another year.

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It’s also dawning on me that I graduated this time last year. I can’t believe how fast this year has flown by. Most of the friends I made at Linfield are graduating this year, which is crazy. It’s finally weirding me out that I’m done with Linfield. While I was working there, I still felt involved and part of the community. Now, the staff and faculty recognize me outside of Linfield and people really appreciated the work I did for them. I have spent the spring distancing myself from the community and life outside of Linfield exists. The community of McMinnville is really supportive of Linfield and they’re actively concerned about the future of the college, since the college does a lot for the community. It seems like it’s a nice reciprocal relationship. I’m in denial, but my first and favorite professor at Linfield is finally retiring. She made me a better writer and better reader. She stretched me further than she could possibly know. I hope she realizes how much of an impact that she has made in her nearly 40 years of service to Linfield. She will be missed, but I hope she also enjoys a very well deserved retirement. πŸ™‚

Sidenote: I feel like I’ve been doing a lot of housesitting for different people, which is really fun. I was watching over a house for a lovely retired couple while they were venturing out to their future home for most of the spring. They returned in May and were so generous to me. I haven’t even known them that long, but they’re lovely people. They’re so kind and they seemed very appreciative of me. Since they’re moving, they told me that they wanted to get rid of most of their bulky furniture, so my future roommates and me are taking advantage of that. I’m incredibly thankful for people that trust me enough to housesit/dogsit for them and I have some consistent people that I do it for. The extra cash isn’t so bad either πŸ˜‰

I’m so pumped for summertime, but I won’t lie, I’m pretty nervous about the busy season upon us at Soter! We have some pretty fun events planned though. I’m really excited to be part of the Soter staff now. I feel a lot more comfortable and confident in my abilities and what is expected of me. I’m considering of doing a couple mini vacays on my days off. I should take Maizie to the beach, just to see if she likes it or not. I’m worried about leaving her home most of the summer. Granted, one of my old colleagues lets her invade her household and hang out with her pups as well. And I take her to daycare once a week. And I plan on taking her to the dog park after work. My curiosity is how hot this summer will get. Currently, debating on whether or not to get another fan, since my small one may not cut it.

Lots of rolling thoughts mashed all together – sorry it’s not more cohesive! Cheers sweet friends!

 

 

life

Be an Encourager, the World has so many Critics Already

Might be repetitious, because I’ve been posting here and there in insta, Twitter and Facebook all sorts of different things. It always hits me at the end of the day as I am winding down in bed these last minute thoughts rush to me. I posted a few on Twitter last night. Just random things really; one thought was that I don’t let myself tell myself that I am proud of who I have become. I think society has put so many restraints on individuality and makes us think that if we think too highly of ourselves that we are arrogant and no one will like us. I feel like radiating positivity, even if it is about yourself, it’s a good thing. It’s a good thing to be proud of yourself. It’s a good thing to tell yourself you’re proud of you every once and awhile. This year has been a lot of finding myself outside of the academic realm. I’ve been so into performing well and doing well academically that I hadn’t found my work-self. Settling into a normal routine and getting used to not having homework, papers and deadlines. Then switching gears, switching jobs, but still helping at Linfield for large-scale events. Needless to say, there has been some growth over the last (near) year.

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This isn’t meant to give a feel sorry for me vibe, just me typing thoughts out; seeing if I reach any new conclusions. This thought has been circulating around me for the last few weeks and that is as I approach 23, my parents split essentially a decade ago. And even a decade later, I’m still phased by it every now and then, not in a bad way. At the moment that I found out, it didn’t phase me at first, just because I had friends that had divorced parents and they seemed fine. The divorce challenged me in ways I could not have imagined. I’m not resentful toward my parents for making that decision. It was what was best. Now, I can’t really imagine my parents staying together and that working out in a positive light. I think I would have struggled, obviously in different ways, but I also don’t think it would’ve been a healthy environment. Anyway, as I approach 23, I find myself acknowledging my absent father, basically since I was 15. I didn’t think at the time that I was a child, but now that I look back, I was just a teenager. However, I was forced to fend for myself in a sense every other weekend and then during the summer, every other week as long as that lasted…My mom told me something a few weeks ago that has stuck with me. She said something along the lines of not being able to imagine raising us three amazing kids and not having a relationship with us. There’s no law forcing parents to maintain relationships with their children, but it hit me that it’s a choice. My father had clearly made his choice. I’m able to say it without tearing up now, but he chose companionship over his kid. It has taken years for me to heal, but at the end of the day, I believe that if my mom hadn’t been a steady, consistent rock through my high school and college years, I would not be where I am today. She wouldn’t allow me to give her all the credit, but she deserves a lot of it. I know I was not an easy teenager by any means. Now that I am on my own and haven’t seen my dad in months, I wonder sometimes random thoughts. I wonder if he regrets what he has missed out on – my high school career, my college career, my accomplishments, what I’m up to now. He didn’t bother coming to my graduation, he didn’t bother calling me on my birthday, he doesn’t bother reaching out to me anymore, he moved up state – away from both kids and any family he has left. I understand that he was put in an awkward position, but selfishly and at the end of the day, I was his kid, under his care when he had visitation with me. I know that as a teenager, I was really hurt by his actions and lack of care as a father. Now, I still don’t understand why he is the way he is, but I hope that he is doing okay. If he did reach out to me, it’d be a tough road to mend and I’m sure my hurt would come through and be visible. I wouldn’t shut him out, I just hope it doesn’t take decades for him to want to be an active person in my life, which is what I have been told – something along the lines of “later on, he will realize what he’s missed out on and come crawling back to mend it and it’ll be left up to you whether or not you want to trust him again.” Until then – silence on both ends.

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On a happier note, I’m definitely starting to appreciate my days off – rest days as I call them! On Tuesday, I mainly rested, did some household things – laundry, vacuuming and cleaning heh! I enjoyed the sun! I took Maizie to the dog park and she played for over an hour and a half! Oh my goodness, dog parks are like miniature neighborhoods. It’s so funny to me, because it’s such a simple concept. Dogs get to socialize and play freely and dog parents stand by the sidelines, usually against a fence and just chat with each other about the latest gossip and how cute their dogs are. I find it hilarious for some strange reason. On Wednesday, it was blazin’! I went on an impromptu afternoon day trip to the Wooden Shoe Tulip Festival. If you live within 2 hours of Woodburn, I would say GO! It’s absolutely breathtaking! It’s so pretty! And the tulips are still blooming! Elizabeth and I went on a weekday and it wasn’t as crazy, which was nice! Alas, a moment where I appreciate having weekdays off and not weekends; cuz weekends are absolutely crazy! The tulips were beautiful, the sun was shining, it was really warm! Thank goodness we didn’t get sunburned! It was a beautiful drive. I wasn’t supposed to be off on Wednesday, as I usually nanny that day, but I got called off which was actually a nice surprise – Poor Lincoln though!! He’s feeling better though – according to his mama. And today, we’re back to rain for the weekend and then the 70’s next week! Ah, Oregon. Spring has sprung πŸ™‚

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Work is finally starting to regulate and feel like it’s becoming normal for me. I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells 100% of the time. Certainly, I do things wrong sometimes! For the most part, I am left alone unless there are small tasks that need to be done. On the weekdays that I work, they’re generally really low-key, which is nice coming off the busy weekends. And since summer is approaching, I have a feeling it’s just going to get busier and busier. There are a series of events this summer that I hope to be able to get a chance to work a few of them anyway. It’ll definitely be a nice change of pace, considering this is the “slow” season until summer begins. I used to think that I was always freezing at the library at Linfield (old job), but I am literally always freezing at Soter. I can be wearing a sweater, jeans and boots…I’m still cold. HMPH. Hopefully, that doesn’t last long. My co-workers have been saying that it does get unbearably warm – but I don’t totally believe that, considering I am always cold. I briefly thought that my hands just had terrible circulation, but no – because I am only freezing there. People will ask how work is going and I say that it wasn’t my intent to get into the wine industry and I do find it somewhat interesting, but not enough to stay in it forever. I’m having a hard time imagining myself getting back into academia for my Masters Program next June. Good thing I have a year to prepare myself!

I spent my day at Linfield, it was definitely nice to switch gears from sitting at a desk all day to be moving around freely and not being checked up on. I’m clearly trusted there to know my duties and since I know what I’m doing, no one feels the need to micro-manage me. There was a Frederick Douglass symposium all day today and it was really well attended! Scholars (probably mostly professors) came from all over the West Coast and then five professors that are known for their research and work on Douglass came and spoke and they were all really great discussions and talks. It’s so awesome to know that this man, Frederick Douglass who was around in the 1800’s and has such a powerful story that he’s still so widely known about and spoken about and still such an interesting subject that people find new things to research about. His thoughts are still so relevant today. It was nice to switch gears, it feels like I haven’t left. The students I used to work with were happy to see me and whispered “come back!” haha. At least I’m missed not only by the students, but also my old-co-workers πŸ™‚

Last minute thoughts: realized a couple days ago that Fitbit most likely won’t be updating anything with the Fitbit Blaze and there are SO SO SO many bugs that annoy the crap out of me that I just haven’t been using it recently and now with this news, big thumbs down. DO NOT recommend. I’m pretty bummed and disappointed. The new Fitbit releases are WAY too overpriced! I don’t want to cave and get an Apple Watch,Β  but I really like the smart watches and am afraid that the other ones I’ve been looking into/researching that they’ll crash and be buggy. Ah, technology. You move too quickly. I should be saving money anyway. Hmph. Also, noteworthy – looks like I have found my new roommates for the next year! Both are graduating next month [woah] and then moving into my current apartment, so I don’t have to move. Weird thing is, I have to “re-apply” for living here, since it’s with new roommates. MEH. Also – at work, we had a photographer take staff photos and they apparently all turned out really candid and not formal like I had assumed, since it’s a very professional establishment. Anyway, I actually really like the photo that they chose for me; they gave me five to choose from and I got final say of the five. I can’t post it anywhere though, because I don’t have rights to it. I’m hoping to be able to obtain rights and post it soon though!

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Hope all is well for you guys! Cheers!

life

You will never influence the world by being just like it

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Springtime is in full swing now! Finally. Yesterday was some of the wildest, craziest wind I have ever seen in my entire life. The wind woke me up a full hour before my alarm was going to go off. So I got some extra stuff done and quality time with my pup. I wasn’t too upset, since I’ve been a grandma recently and going to sleep by 9 or 9:30. And this morning, it decided to dump quarts of water and turned into a pretty nice, solid, sunny day. Going back and forth from 70 to 55 is a bit much for me though, I have to say.

Ya know the ONE amazing thing about working full time? I don’t have the time or energy to spend money, except maybe on coffee and gas. To be completely honest, I’ve been able to save a ton of money already and I’ve only been working full-time for a few weeks now. I have noticed that I am much more exhausted at the end of the day. However, something does stay the same between the Linfield library and event support job and this winery job – and that is it’s never boring and I feel like I am constantly on-the-go. I think I get to move around more with this job or maybe the same amount. I will say being constrained to a thirty minute lunch, sometimes less and not enough time to actually step away and exit the realm of work physically, it’s a bit grueling. Remarkably, my anxiety hasn’t been nearly as terrible as I thought it would be with this type of job. Hospitality is new to me. Wine is new to me. I feel like I’m learning more and more about the industry every weekend I spend there, since weekends are the busiest and when the most happens. With all these strangers, I just smile and answer the questions I am able to answer. Guests have been really understanding of my base of knowledge and have been really patient with me, which is comforting. Since I have started, I feel like the guests have been more patient with me than my co-workers, which is probably not a great thing, considering these co-workers get to work with me every day. It’s going to make the remainder of my time with this job really interesting. Maybe they’ll loosen up. That’s my hope anyway.

A couple weeks ago mostly and even sometimes briefly now, I find myself thinking and talking to myself “maybe I can’t do this” and “maybe I’m not capable of this job.” I think it’s because I was so frustrated and discouraged by the feedback that I was getting from my superiors. So discouraged. It’s irritating for me to get negative feedback when I was essentially thrown to the wolves, even though that wasn’t their intent. They weren’t training me very well AT ALL and then they completely switched gears. They wanted to baby me, not even standard hand-holding, it was literally putting me in an infant carrier and baby me the entire way through. I began apologizing constantly for being me, for not doing it THEIR way. I began apologized for doing things the “wrong way.” BUT I told myself that I would never lose myself in my work. I am a good worker, I am an independent worker, but what am I not? I am not going to become my work. I am a human, you want someone to be a robot, hire a robot. I never want to sound fake, I want to be sincere and genuine to these guests. I was really down on myself the last few weeks, but it’s starting to get easier. I type that with a lot of hesitation. I know myself and aware that I’m not the easiest person to understand, but I like to think that I am a good communicator. Undeniably and probably to a fault, I have a strong sense of self and I need to stop apologizing for that for my own sanity. I am confident that I am capable of doing the job they had offered me, but I refuse to become a robot.

(warning: bluntness, read with caution) Exhibit A: I show up for work like normal, I get booted down to the warehouse (doing a job that I wouldn’t mind ordinarily) but wasting my day when they could have been training me….and then complaining to me the next day about my lack of training and their discontentment with my job performance. Sorry guys, but you lost a valuable 8+ hours when we a) weren’t busy b) could’ve gotten a ton of training done and c) we were all present at the same time in the same place.

I can’t lose myself in work. This job has tested my patience with people. I know I can be really direct and blunt, but I won’t apologize for telling the truth. I know that I am not going to get along with everyone, but I have to learn to adapt and try to work with these people cohesively. Otherwise, it’s going to become a toxic work environment for me and I will get very uncomfortable and unhappy quick. I tell myself now and again that this job is only temporary, a stepping stone in my life and this isn’t the place I want to be forever, because I am young.

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Since my time at home is pretty limited now, I haven’t had time to do household essential shopping. It occurred to me that I could buy stuff online! And I did just that. I laughed at myself for not being able to go to the store and pick up these things. But in reality, I didn’t have to pay shipping, I didn’t have to drive to the store and walk around the store, it showed up on my doorstep in a box a couple days later. It was a beautiful moment. It’s the little things, guys πŸ™‚ I’ve been doing a much better job of cooking, instead of going out all the time. The first week and maybe second, I did a bulk of my eating dinner out, because I was way too tired to cook. My consistent dishes have been orange chicken, turkey meatballs, beef meatballs, korean barbecue beef, rice, potatoes, corn, veggies. Very simple, but make great leftovers.

My stepdad and I have gone to Disneyland for the last three years in November. And this upcoming September, we finally convinced my mom to go with us! She’s excited to see her cousin and my stepdad and I are really excited that she wants to come! It’s been awhile since she’s gone to Disneyland. I think she misses the food and dole whips mostly πŸ˜‰ I booked my flights a couple nights ago and flights were SO SO SO cheap. Disneyland is raising its prices on its park-hopper tickets, so I’m torn between a 2-day or 3-day. If I do the 2-day, I’m tempted to go to LA or Harry Potter World at Universal Studios, but that’s basically the same amount of money. It’s amazing that I don’t have to pay for hotel this time around. And I’ve already saved enough and have money leftover for that trip, which is almost six months away. I’m not sure if Disneyland will ever get old, ya know what I’m also not sure of? The fact that I made Disneyland happen the last few years – being a college student, making very little money.

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I’ve been taking Maizie to daycare the last few weeks, since I hate having her stuck in the house all the dang time with the weather being unpredictable and me not having a backyard, which doesn’t make me happy. Anyway, she goes to a lady’s house just a few blocks away and she has her own dog. I believe she works from home. Her dog is a white-ish labradoodle, he’s older, but still pretty active. Apparently, they really like each other and will cuddle together. And then there’s this golden retriever and yellow lab mix who is not even six months yet, but when I met her back in February, she was the size of Maizie when I got her (about 15 pounds) and then when I saw her again in mid-March, she weighs more than Maizie. And last time Maizie was weighed, she was barely 40 pounds. 40.2. She seems to really enjoy it. She comes home with me after I get off work and PLOPS on my bed and is knocked out for hours. She’s only a little over a year old, but she’s calming down quite a bit already. One super annoying thing happened though, buying dog food is common place. However, when you switch dog foods, you have to slowly mix it into their diet, because it’s not the easiest thing on their stomach. It’s a gradual thing; that being said, I went to order Maizie’s food….and to my surprise, Costco wasn’t carrying it online anymore. Luckily, I found it with a different protein (for cheaper, HA) elsewhere and snatched that up real quick. Still, really annoying. End rant. πŸ™‚

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I feel like I just word-spat at you, but thank you for keeping up with me! Alsoooo, bought my first bottle of wine, ever. Perks of working at a winery: discounts (but I didn’t tell ya that).

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life

She was unstoppable. Not because she didn’t have failures or doubts, but because she continued on despite them.

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I have officially left Linfield and started working full time at Soter Vineyards. Leaving Linfield was bittersweet, because I have been around those people for a few years and I was never worried about my job. Though, I have decided to assist with big-scale events for Linfield through the end of the school year. Now that I have had time to think about it, I don’t think I truly let it sink in that I am leaving this job and starting somewhere new.

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At Soter, it’s been a whirlwind so far and I’ve only been there a total of four weekends and one weekday thus far. We had a big party for Wine Club members this past weekend and I’m so used to be fast paced-ness of the parties that regular tastings seem so calm to me now. On that note, I have never been in so much pain. I’m used to my legs hurting from swimming all those years. But this is an entirely different kind of pain. Of course, that’s what I get for carrying cases of wine all weekend. I rolled over Sunday morning and I could barely move. My shoulders still hurt and it’s been 3-4 days. I had a goal to book a massage, but honestly, I’m afraid I am going to end up crying while being massaged. I enjoy the nature of the job, but it forces me to switch gears a lot in various directions and it can be overwhelming. I’ve been exercising a lot of patience with learning the ropes and new dynamics with people. Let’s just say, I have come to this realization that starting a new job is hard. Maybe there’s this unspoken struggle that comes with starting a new job that encapsulates stress and frustration, but that’s where I’m sitting right now. This hospitality thing is brand spankin’ new to me. It’s all new and the people are new, it’s a different company, I’m not used to it yet. One of my friends told me that the corporate world is completely different and it didn’t occur to me until then that he was right. To say the least it’s been a bit frustrating to find my groove and identify my boundaries. I’m an independent person, I like to do things on my own, but I feel like I am an infant, stuck and unable to do anything. I am told to be independent and work independently and then I am pulled backward and am in need to be micro-managed. Instantly, I am criticized that I am doing something wrong constantly or I handled something poorly. Usually, I’m great with talking to people, but over the phone, people ask questions that I don’t know the answers so I ask for help and then get criticized for it. Or like today, I wasn’t even doing what my job title is nor being trained to do my job better. The weekends are when it is craziest and most difficult to get any training and confidence in what I am doing, therefore, I don’t understand why I’m doing something completely out of my job description for the entire day. Let’s just say, I’m pretty disappointed in how it’s going thus far. Perhaps, it’s just the nature of starting a new job, but maybe, I’m just not cut out for this business. I’m going to attempt to be optimistic, but I had that mindset going in and it’s letting me down. At the end of the day, it’s a job and I am getting paid regardless of what I am doing.

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With different weekends compared to most normal people, I feel like I still need to be busy, because it’s a weekday. However, I have come to value my days off and enjoying them. Self-care has reached an entirely new level. I learned my lesson back in February to not work 16 days straight.Β  With less time on my hands, I have found myself being able to save money and just have money sitting in my bank account, as opposed to treating myself and shopping or spending it. Granted, I have been eating out more than I used to. I need to get back into the habit of cooking again, but by the end of the day at the winery, I am so exhausted to even try to put a meal together. I have made orange chicken twice now and it’s beyond simple, I’m obsessed.

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House sitting these two rascals last week, the one time they laid down and I quickly snapped a photo. However, them being calm was a rarity…

 

SUNSET at MSR.

I know I have been probably too honest about how work has been going so far to my close friends. I don’t think I am wrong when I say that I am being treated unfairly and childish. I am a fast-learner. That being said, I am fully aware that I am not the best when it comes to taking criticism, even if it is constructive. However, I would much rather people, any person, friend or superior, or anything, anyone, just tell me straight up if I am doing something wrong or hurting them in any way. I hate that our society is afraid of being too honest. I will never apologize for being honest, because if I am dishonest, that makes me a liar. Perhaps, I am too blunt and too direct and too harsh and I never intend to hurt anyone. Talking to a friend about my recent troubles last night and she told me that I can’t control peoples reactions, I can only control myself. I also know that I am not the most optimistic person, but I have gotten better. I just need to focus on being mindful and being receptive to understanding others. I keep trying to reassure myself that these feelings of frustration and discontentment is only temporary and I hope to God that is true. To be honest, my anxiety spouts back time and time again saying that maybe I am not cut out for this, maybe I can’t do this, maybe this isn’t what I am supposed to be doing, maybe I’m not good enough, maybe I shouldn’t be here. I rationalize this and know myself. I can’t let my anxiety get the best of me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a hard worker and I apologize for complaining. I’d like to think that I am not a hard person to understand. I’d like to think that I am good at communicating and good with people in general, but I find myself second guessing and in a place of discomfort and like I am walking on eggshells at work.

Its been a weird month. Snow, clouds, little rain, snow, hail…perhaps snow this weekend. Seasons are a thing of the past, I am realizing, it doesn’t matter what month or what season it is, the weather is going to do its Oregon thing – which is be absolutely crazy and temperamental. It’s so crazy to me that us Oregonians complain about the weather, but we have no desire to move elsewhere, where it may be warmer and drier and all the better things than rain and cold. And even better and more eye opening, coming into contact with people that are not native Oregonians that have just come here. They talk about Oregon being great for being ahead of the curve in every aspect. Even though, our history is not spectacular. Apparently, Oregon is great for food and farming and wine. Go figure, I never knew that Oregon was considered a superior state. I think we’re pretty ordinary.

 

Not a lot to report to be honest. Send some good vibes my way if you feel so inclined or have been in the same position so I feel like I’m not alone. I’ve just been insanely busy, truckin’ along this busy life. What can I say? I’m a busy bee.

 

Cheers XO

 

 

life

Create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that just looks good on the outside

This month has flown by, only because I realized it is a short month indeed. February feels so short, even though it’s only a couple days less than a regular month. Time and time again, I never feel like there are enough hours in the day. I wake up, take Maizie on a walk, go to work, come home, eat dinner, shower, relax for an hour and crash. Amazing thing is, I have been sleeping better than I ever have. I go to sleep in minutes it seems and I stay asleep until morning.

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It’s been SUPER chilly, so I’m thinking of WARMTHΒ & Disneyland, what could be better?

It’s a strange feeling to be working less, but at the end of the week – counting the hours that I am working and it’s more than I have ever worked in my entire life. I’ve paced myself since last week, coming to realize that I cannot make myself work 16 days straight again. I have a couple weeks left working at Linfield and then I’ll be making my way to Soter full-time. It’s been a nice transition, it’s kind of nice doing both jobs and transitioning slowly. Really, with Soter I added a job, since I’ve been nannying since last summer and started Linfield at the end of August and now Soter. Again, I am SO SO SO grateful to be employed and to feel well.

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Likely, you have heard that I was accepted into my Masters of Arts in Teaching program, which is a huge relief, but it added even more stress to my palate than I already was under, not really stress..but exhaustion. Jokes because they said they would have an admission decision a week later, but they emailed me not even 48 hours saying I was accepted. Lately, this acceptance has been hanging over my head…not in a bad way, but in the last week I had to figure out if I was going to do the Masters program or wait until June 2019. I decided to wait: a) because the program is expensive b) I don’t know where I am going to live c) during the interview process, this huge door swung open right in front of my eyes. The director of the program told us that getting a position teaching language arts is more competitive than getting a position teaching math or one of the sciences. Perhaps, that is true, I guess we’ll see. Back to the proposition or open door, the director mentioned that I could do “multiple subjects” and my head started spinning. I started thinking about teaching fourth or fifth grade, I think I could be really good at it. I’d only have 30 students to worry about, instead of 180 or so if I taught 6 periods a day. To be honest, I think I am perfectly capable of teaching high school language arts OR fourth or fifth grade. I know I’d have a blast doing both. I really love kids. I know I don’t have the patience for middle schoolers AT ALL, bless the beautiful, patient, caring souls that do. They have a strength that I will NEVER have. I like the idea of 9-10 year olds, they’re somewhat independent and they know what’s going on. They know their way around the school, they know the rules. I know that I could do it. I’ve just thought about teaching high school for so long that I feel strange if I were to switch gears and change track. Regardless, I have decided to defer until June 2019 and then I will be attending George Fox University for their MAT program, which will run from mid-June to the end of April. I learned during my interview that the teacher that I get placed with is the one that I will be permanently with for the entire duration of the program.

I cannot keep track of the days for the life of me. On Monday, I thought it was Thursday. Yesterday felt like Wednesday, today feels like Tuesday. I’m all backwards. I’m still getting the hang of this weekend thing to be honest. It’ll be nice once I am just working at Soter and can have regular weekends, even though they won’t be regular weekends. I still plan on nannying once a week too, hoping that I’m not too exhausted. Luckily, as far as the winery goes, it seems like Saturday and Sunday will be the crazy days. However, summer is going to pick up and be busy. I love the big events that the winery puts together though. For some reason, the people and my co-workers make my heart happy.

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I’ve been trying to eat healthier, but less time on my hands doesn’t really allow me to cook as much as I’d like. I’m going to be trying coconut wraps, since in the past I was gluten-free and wasn’t really able to find bread that I liked. Gradually, I was actually able to integrate wheat back into my diet, but I definitely don’t feel the best when I overload myself with wheat. They say that coconut wraps are good for crepes and wraps…and I’ve been interested in trying them for awhile. In addition, I tried coconut oil last summer and even gave a little teaspoon to Maizie for her skin, because apparently it’s good for dogs too. Anyway, my favorite is making popcorn and sprinkling warmed coconut oil and then nutritional yeast – it’s like healthy popcorn, it’s delicious. Coconut oil has led me to coconut butter and I’ve recently been researching what I can do with coconut butter, looks like it’s quite popular to just eat it right off of a spoon! Or if I want to make “fat bombs,” what an appealing name…?! HA. Looks like I’ll be doing a bunch of baking when I have some spare time!

 

I have an inkling to get a new tattoo (very small) and/or a tragus piercing! Not sure if I will or not, but I really want to!

I don’t know what it is, but I find myself feeling really good, in the midst of the chaos that surrounds me.

Cheers!

life

There’s this person inside my head. She’s brilliant, capable. She’s me, only so much better. And I’m afraid I’ll never become that person.

Life is going a million miles an hour. I feel like I haven’t even had time to breathe and just be present. Honestly, I feel like a robot, a machine rather. I am aware that I have inflicted this fate upon myself. Being myself, a pleaser and so afraid of not wanting to disappoint anyone in my life, I struggle to say no. I tell you and myself all the time that it’s okay to say no to things. There is a limit. There is a point where you just can’t…anymore. I luckily haven’t hit that point yet, but it’s coming. Every day, I wake up optimistic like “I can do this, this isn’t so bad, things could be much worse…I could be bored and not working, not making any money, not making any progress with my life path…” but then the end of the day hits and I’m beyond exhausted that my eyes can barely stay open. This is going to be the first time in my life where I work over a two week stretch without a single day off. Between working for Linfield, because I don’t want them to drown and I’m sort of afraid to leave, beginning my newest job at Soter vineyards; learning the ropes and how everyone does their own thing, and continuing nannying when I can, because I love that family. I’ve always been a busy bee, but this reaches an entirely NEW level. This isn’t meant to complain or “woe as me…my life is so hard,” just being honest by saying that I underestimated how tired I would be. I am incredibly THANKFUL for this life I live.

The thought that keeps sticking in the back of my head is that you are paid by the hour, you are paid for your time. Time is valuable, there aren’t enough hours in the day. There is only so much time one has. Time away from everything else that consumes your busy life. To-do lists are a must in this crazy world of mine. This life I live, I am very thankful for two amazing jobs with amazing co-workers. And I really am enjoying post-grad life. I have always really enjoyed being busy and constantly go-go-going.

I know that I say that I give myself grace all the time, but I’ve become really bad at saying no to things again. I’m so afraid of disappointing people and letting them down that I just DO.

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You likely have seen a post about me feeling super guilty for working so much. And I’m feeling guilty about not caring for Maizie the way I should, the way I need, the way she needs to thrive. I’d been so disciplined during the summer and even found joy in taking morning walks in solitude with her. I know she needs to burn energy. Over the last week and a half, I’ve walked her maybe four times. And that’s BAD. I know she’s probably going stir crazy. And she is spending time with other dogs at one of my colleague’s houses. And by no means, do I think she is being abused by me not taking her out on a walk every day. I’m just not doing what I wish I could do, because (and I say this all the time)…there aren’t enough hours in the day. Honestly, I’m just talking about a dog. I don’t know how young parents go through this…going to work, full-time and barely spending any time with their kid, because they get so caught up in the demands of their life in other capacities. Parent guilt is real…and I totally get it now. I’ll be looking into doggy daycare when I get around to it, hopefully sooner, rather than later. I don’t want Maizie to be kept inside ALL day, by herself. And come summertime, I will be moving and likely (without a miracle) will be living by myself. I don’t mind the idea of living by myself, living with people can be difficult. And now with this new job, I can afford to live by myself, but it’s not ideal. It’s nice to have extra hands caring for Maizie when I just can’t.

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I had my first day at Soter on Friday. Everyone was super happy to see me and have me a part of the time. It’s definitely a whirlwind. I came in on Friday afternoon for a half-day of training just to mentally prepare myself for the craziness that happens Saturday and Sunday. It’s amazing how many reservations this small winery does. I can’t even begin to imagine the large wineries…since, I consider this a small-scale one. The view is absolutely spectacular. Its tucked out in the country and absolutely breathtaking. My immediate supervisor has made it super clear that I am free to get up and walk around and get off the computer from time to time. I was super concerned that I would just be in front of a computer all day. Based on this weekend, I have a very hard time believing that that’s all I’ll ever be doing. This job, much like EMS at Linfield is multifaceted. You have to switch gears within a second. These people seem much more organized and definitive in their decisions which is helpful. Everyone knows what they’re doing, where their duties end, what they need to do. And they’re very sweet with me, letting me ask questions and letting me catch up. It’s definitely helpful that I know the lay of the land really well already, since I’ve been doing events with them for a couple years. This is an entirely different beast. However, come mid-March, it’ll feel like I am in my comfort zone once again, that’s right, a big event! Granted, one of my co-workers that I have worked with multiple times told me that I’ll likely be doing something different than I am used to. I’m glad I am doing a transition, even though it’s going to be crazy-balls for about a month. I know that I will survive. Definitely overwhelmingly thankful that Linfield and Soter are willing to share me for a brief period. πŸ™‚

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I made it to round two of my admission for the MAT program. Honestly, I kind of freaked myself out last week. Since, I was so content with the idea of working another year and then doing my Masters program. But I got that email of making it to the next round that I am sort of afraid that if I apply again, they won’t let me in, because I didn’t do it the first time. Totally irrational thought process, but that’s fine, I’m fine, it’s great! πŸ˜‰ Anyone who knows me, knows that I am going to get back to school. The group interviews went well and I will hear of an admission decision by next week. Unfortunately, I only have two weeks to make a decision about doing the Masters program, but I may ask for some grace time just because my schedule has been so crazy and I need to figure out the financial stuff. Since I was little, I’ve always wanted to teach. I spent years going to my dad’s school with him on “take your kid to work day” and it was a blast. And I knew that I wanted to have my own classroom and work with kids. When I was younger, I thought my only option was to teach elementary. However, as I have grown up and learned I can teach just ONE subject. The director of the program last night told us that getting teaching jobs having to do with language arts and social studies are more difficult and far more competitive than the math and science positions. This shouldn’t have surprised me really, but it worried me that I won’t be able to find a job after thousands of dollars and time put into this Masters program. I know I’m probably irrationally stressing. I’m curious what my people think I’d enjoy/be better at: Teaching language arts at the high school level or teaching 4th or 5th grade?

I just put these photos here as a little reminder to myself and you to slow down every once and awhile.